Spontaneous Monotony

The Scottish Parliament spends most of its time on the unionist parties blaming every problem on the SNP’s “single-minded thirst for independence”, and the SNP blaming every problem on London conspiracies. So when something gets passed unanimously by the Scottish Parliament, you know it’s either PR puff (”Parliament congratulates fireman for rescuing cat from tree”) or the sort of grandstanding which allows them to claim that they’re Doing Something but lacks any immediate effect against which they can be judged. On that basis let me outline a few of the choice details of the Cunning Climate Change Plan.

• Target for a 42% cut in emissions by 2020, and 80% by 2050. Why this particular figure was chosen (why not 41%, or 43%?), or why there is to be a bigger cut in the next eleven years than over the following thirty, is unclear.
• £50 discount on council tax for people who get cavity wall insulation. The cost of getting this insulation starts at £500, and it takes a minimum of five years to pay for itself (source: Think Insulation). Set against figures like that, is a one-off fifty pound bribe from councils who can ill afford it really tip the balance of the decision for very many people? Oh, except that people who don’t get with the program will be threatened with punishment.
• Automatic planning permission for people who want to erect micro-wind turbines. So if you’d like to stop a neighbour ruining your view with ugly, noisy industrial equipment then tough

In other news, the Scottish Parliament’s last grandiose Five Year Plan (to force ‘healthy’ school meals on those who don’t want them) has resulted in a dramatic collapse in the numbers of kids taking school meals.

With the launch of the DSi (annoyingly at the cost of the GBA slot) every major console now has a download service which offers reborn retro games. In fact, if you count GOG.com (personally, I do) then even the PC has such a service. This post offers some suggestions for games that deserve a release on such systems, along with some reasons why.

Oh and one other thing: the platform indication doesn’t mean that I think any of these games are at all likely to actually get a rerelease. It’s just that, if they do get revived, my suggestion as to which platform is likely to get the goodies.

1. Pokémon Crystal
Original platform: GBC
Re-release platform: DSiWare

Why it should get a re-release
With my amazing Wordpress-powered psychic skills, I can discern exactly what you’ve just muttered to yourself. “Why the fuck does the world need more Pokémon?” The answer, dear reader, is that Crystal is the best outing in the series by a long way. For a start, it has the most post-Elite Four content – yes, even more than the Sevii Islands in FRLG. The pre-Platinum DS generation (the UK has yet to see Platinum, so I can’t comment on its goodies as yet) offers a rather lacklustre selection: an extra four Routes to explore (that contain extra Pokémon which are of precisely bugger all use given you’ve beaten the game), and the option of fighting the Elite Four again with slightly higher level Pokémon. Whoopee. Crystal, on the other hand, offers pretty close to two games in one. After you’ve beaten the Johto Elite Four, you can take on the gym leaders of Kanto (plus more Team Rocket) before levelling like mad to take on Red – which is one of the best semisecret boss battles in any RPG.

Chances it will
Hmm, two out of five at best. Crystal would cost approximately bugger all to re-release: all Nintendo would have to do is some emulation trickery to make the GBC linkcable connection work over DS wifi. The catch is that Nintendo assumes that any release of a retro Pokémon game will result in lower sales of current Pokémon games. See, for example, the lack of Pokémon Stadium on Wii Virtual Console.

EDIT: Just my luck. I go and save this as a draft and Nintendo go and rain on my parade by announcing DS remakes of Gold and Silver (which were the Diamond and Pearl to Crystal’s Platinum, for those of you not familiar with the Pokemon lineup). Chances of Crystal GBC getting a DSiWare release are more or less zero now.

2. Final Fantasy VIII
Original release platform: PS1
Re-release platform: PSP

Why it should get a re-release
Don’t listen to the people who tell you that Final Fantasy VII is the series’ best of the PS1 era (and therefore, by common consent, the best full stop). I’m sure that The Most Spoilered Ending Of All Time (spoiler warning on that link ) is very emotional and all, but its successor is the better game. The much-maligned junctioning system was actually a fairly enjoyable extra layer of depth to the game. It certainly improved upon the typical RPG character customisation options: grind your character’s level, or goldfarm monsters to buy better equipment.

Chances it will
Probably better than Crystal’s (EDIT: Definitely better than Crystal’s). Squaresoft aren’t averse to re-releasing older games: look at the vast number of remakes of (in particular) I, II and VI. A straight emulated release on the PSP has a better chance than the sort of full glitz PS3 remake that FFVII is getting.

3. Blood Money
Original release platform: Atari ST
Re-release platform: XBLA/PSN

Why it should get a re-release
Let me tell you one thing about Blood Money: it’s a scifi side scrolling shooter game. At this point you may well be doubting my sanity. After all, XBLA is packed to the rafters with side-scrolling shooter games (and overrated side-scrolling hack and slash games too!) Why then, does it need another one? First of all, Blood Money was a brilliant game which played at a slightly slower pace than most in the genre. This made positioning and tactics take a more prominent role in your gameplay rather than the “hold Button A and hope to fuck nothing runs into you” approach. It also has a minor role in gaming history: it was developed by a little known Scottish studio called DMA Design.

Chances it will
Reasonable. I don’t know whether it was ever a big hit (I wasn’t terribly interested in the gaming market when Blood Money came out), but the developer association could help its case.

4. Rollercoaster Tycoon
Original release platform: Windows PC
Re-release platform: Windows PC (GOG.com)

Why it should get a re-release
This might seem a bit strange as the re-release platform is the same as the original one. But what you have to remember is that there are two big problems with older Windows PC games – lack of compatibility with newer versions of the platform, and lack of availability in shops. Therefore older Windows PC games have exactly the same problems as games for old consoles. GOG.com is the equivalent of a Virtual Console/XBLA/PSN re-release for Windows PC games: the games are tweaked to ensure compatibility (including the use of DOSBox for really ancient stuff), and they’re sold online as DRM-free downloads.

Rollercoaster Tycoon really is the pinnacle of the management genre. The graphics are nice, and more precise than the flashier 3D games which lets you design your park layouts as efficiently as possible. The game offers an immense amount of depth without ever openly forcing you into micromanagement.

There is no need, for example, to worry about the staffing of individual attractions. How many times in (the very good) Theme Hospital were you left fucked because the level you were on was mainly patients needing surgery, and there weren’t any/enough competent surgeons appearing in the staff for hire list? The only staff you need to deal with in Rollercoaster Tycoon are park-wide ones: mechanics, handymen, security guards, and entertainers. They cost a fixed amount per month and never ask for a pay rise. You don’t need to build them staff rooms, pay for training to level them up, place extra equipment to improve their emotional wellbeing, wipe their arses for them, or any of the other really low level micromanagement that is often a staple of the genre. Just hire them, set a patrol area (you don’t even need to bother doing that if you don’t want to) and leave them to it.

Rollercoaster Tycoon is exactly what the management game should be about: deciding what attractions to build, where to place them, and what price to charge. Such nice options as building salty food stands to make your guests thirsty, and then making them walk past all the expensive rides to get to a drinks stand. That’s the sort of good attention to detail (as opposed to the nerdy attention to detail found in the likes of Capitalism II) that gives the game near-infinite possibility.

Chances it will
Probably quite good. It is now quite an old game and (importantly from the publisher’s point of view) there isn’t a current-release sequel which it could potentially take sales away from.

5. F-19 Stealth Fighter
Original release platform: Atari ST
Re-release platform: Windows PC (GOG.com)

Why it should get a re-release
A flight sim game from the Atari/Amiga era? Surely not. After all, proper flight sims are all about system-creaking graphics and down-to-the-last-rivet realism. But that’s precisely why we need F-19. It was described at the time as “the thinking man’s flight sim”. The best modern analogy I can think of is a cross between a flight simulator and Metal Gear Solid. The primary skill in the game was planning your route – and your actions – in such a way as to avoid the opposing radar and fighter patrols. The tension this created was very real, and completing some of the game’s more challenging options (like waiting at a hostile airbase to ambush an incoming transport plane, without being detected) gave a real sense of accomplishment.

F-19 Stealth Fighter is far superior in enjoyment to Ace Combat, HAWX, or any of the more nerdy modern pretenders (e.g. MS Flight Sim, the Starforce-infected Lock On). This is because it places the emphasis on flight, and combat tactics, rather than your knowledge of the appropriate outer aileron settings at 10,000 feet while travelling at 400 knots.

Oh and just to continue the “early works of famous devs” theme established by Blood Money: one of the game’s two lead designers was some bloke called Sid Meier. Dunno if the name rings a bell

Chances it will
Perhaps not great. The key incentive for publishers to re-release games of this age is where they have developed a cult following – as with Outrun for example. I could be wrong, not making a habit of frequenting flight sim forums, but I don’t think F-19 has such a following. On the credit side, though, is the fact that it did get a DOS release so it would be relatively straightforward for GOG.com to sell if they and the publishers wanted to.

I’ll put the most important part of this article at the beginning. You can sign the Gurkha Justice Campaign petition online.

There are very few issues on which the left and right in this country agree. I don’t think it’s a stretch to suggest that allowing people who have risked their lives for this country to live here is one of them. Gurkhas have fought for Britain for almost two centuries: over 45,000 have died and many times more have suffered serious injury. In return they don’t even get full British Army pensions. Insulting their sacrifice with supposed ‘concessions’ that none can meet really is a new low for this government. Phil Woolas’ claim that “up to 100,000 people” could end up living in Britain as a result simply misses the point: if Gurkha veterans plus their families amount to 100,000 people, SO WHAT?

Every single one of those people has a moral right to live here – what Woolas and Gordon Brown  seem to be saying is that Gurkhas are good enough to die for Britain, but not enough to live here.  As Joanna Lumley has said repeatedly, Britain owes a ‘moral debt of honour’ to Gurkha veterans. The problem is that honour is something that Gordon Brown and his government don’t seem to have. Shame on them.

EDIT: The Government has seen sense and relented. Better late than never.

Despite getting very respectable review scores, the original Mercenaries was somewhat overshadowed by the perception that it was ‘just’ a military GTA clone. This unfair comparison – invoked just as often by proponents as detractors – ignores the fact that the GTA series hasn’t used the ‘tripartite conflict’ open world format since GTA 2, which even in 2005 was a distant memory. However, although denied the sort of blockbuster success it probably deserved, Mercenaries did acquire a devoted following of fans who eagerly awaited its entry into the high-def era.

Mercenaries 2: World in Flames was also hotly anticipated by those looking for a nice openworld game for the current console generation. The only attempt (aside from the more action RPG-style Crackdown) had been the ultimately disappointing Just Cause. Incidentally, Mercs 2 shares some elements with Avalanche’s earlier effort. The tropical Latin American setting, the storyline revolving around attacks on a leader whose ‘crime’ is to disagree with the US, the ability to hijack aircraft in flight… and the glitches. Now, of course, the original Mercenaries wasn’t entirely free of such foibles itself. Its favourite party trick was to mute engine noises, or weapon reports, or both. Something of a slight problem in a game that revolves around vehicles and combat. However the saving grace was that, with console gaming still a largely offline affair at the time, games had to be released in a more or less finished state. There wasn’t the option (long favoured by EA’s PC division) to simply half-ass the development and then promise paying customers that they would receive a fully working product ‘in a later patch’. True to EA form, more than six months and several patches after the release of Mercs 2, it still contains more insects than a cheap hotel room. In fact it has managed to acquire some new bugs that it didn’t have at release.

To be fair, the ’show stoppers’ (save file corruption and frequent crashing) have largely been eradicated, but no competent publisher would have released the game in such a thoroughly fucked state in the first place. Then again, ‘EA’ and ‘competence’ aren’t often sustainably placed in the same sentence, especially when it comes to product quality and treating your customers properly. The bugs that do remain are the sort of embarassing, amateurish glitches that you’d normally expect to be restricted to low-budget affairs like Hour of Victory: enemies that sink into solid concrete floors, light machine guns which seem capable of shooting through several decks’ worth of naval cruiser, and enemy transports which (instead of landing their reinforcements as they’re supposed to) simply fly past at high speed and then spin on the spot until something else crashes into them. Having your AI pathnoding done by a retarded gibbon was unfortunate in the age of Tom Clancy’s Impenetrable Doorway, but now it’s just funny in a lame sort of way. Oh and one other glitch that I nearly missed mentioning: allies with a 5-second memory span. As with many games of this type, allied NPCs will shout a random greeting as you approach them. The catch is that they don’t then seem to remember having done so, and will repeat the process moments later. I hope I don’t have to explain just how irritating this becomes, when you have to drive a trundling heavy tank halfway across the map with an NPC in the gunner’s seat.

NPC passengers move us neatly on towards another of the game’s problems. I’m not sure if this one is a bug, or intentionally fuckwitted game design. Vehicles now seem to have their carrying capacity defined not by their number of seats, but by the number of doors. For example, one type of APC which (you can see when the hatch opens) is capable of carrying 8 people in its rear compartment can actually only load one NPC because the section only has one door. The myriad trucks, APCs, and transport helicopters are thus rendered useless. Mercs 2 is full of this nonsense – things that worked perfectly well in the original game, and have been intentionally made worse for no apparent reason. Added to the list are the thoroughly obnoxious Quick Time Events (QTEs) which make Mercs 2’s  big new feature (hijacking helicopters in flight) impossible to actually do. Star Wars: The Force Unleashed (ironically, given that LucasArts published the original Mercenaries without trashing it) shows that QTEs can be done without reducing the game to a series of “PRESS THIS EXACT BUTTON IN THE NEXT TENTH OF A SECOND OR DIE” sequences.

Perhaps you are puzzled by the fact that I have yet to mention Mercs 2’s raison d’être: airstrikes. That’s because, depressingly, they too have suffered a healthy dose of EAitis. Almost every airstrike, from artillery bombardments to cruise missiles, now has to be targeted with a smoke grenade or beacon – neither of which can be thrown any further than a standard grenade. Whereas in the original Mercenaries, airstrikes were a means of reducing risk (in a spectacular fashion I might add), this game requires you to sprint towards the threat (taking advantage of NPC aiming taken from Where Eagles Dare rather than Brothers in Arms) , throw a smoke grenade, and then sprint away again before the said airstrike blasts you to buggery. What should have been the game’s crown jewel – especially since the airstrikes themselves are spectacular given the graphics power of the 360/PS3 – is reduced to an irrelevant sideshow.

I don’t want you to think that Mercenaries 2 is a complete carbuncle, because it isn’t. It is still a really enjoyable game, but this is despite EA’s ‘help’ rather than because of it. In so much of the game, the excitement is tinged with a hint of disappointment that it could have been so much more. If EAPandemic had just taken the time and money to do this game properly, it could have been in with a shout of being one of this generation’s best games (especially given GTA4’s lackluster combat system). It seems, however, that Pandemic will join a long list of developers (DICE most notable among them) who go from genius to being corner-cutting retards through the simple act of being acquired by EA. Unless someone else buys the rights (hey, we can hope, LucasArts are presumably not poor), I can’t see Mercenaries 3 being any better.

Rating:

Just to let you know that my contact form is now using a new plugin. The reason is that the author of the plugin I used to use (cforms) seems to have decided that he is a special child and doesn’t need to abide by the built-in plugin upgrade procedure in Wordpress.

Anyway, to cut off what might develop into a rant, I’m now using the Contact Form 7 plugin which seems easy to configure (for example it uses proper Akismet filtering rather than ‘question and answer’) as well as actually being compliant with Wordpress. If you experience any problems with it (messages being rejected and so on) then contact me. Ah, I’m seeing a flaw in the plan. OK, if you are registered on enWikipedia (and have autoconfirmed your email address) you can use Wikipedia’s email system to get a hold of me if the contact form goes toes-up.